Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
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