she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
Randomize
