A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Randomize