i voted for prop eight dipshit. more weddings = more CAKE.
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
I woke up to him yelling "WHO SLEEPS WITH A BEER IN THEIR HAND?!?" this of course, startled me awake and made me spill the aforementioned beer. So I guess the a answer is- not this girl, not anymore. Asshole
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
Randomize
