he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
So pretty much, I was trying to piece last night together and remembered a point where I was pointing to you heart then touching your face. I'm not sure that I ever translated that to "I like your personality better than your looks" but that's what I meant
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
My RA just sigh me high as fuck acting like a zombie and scratching at my door. Thoughts?
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
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