i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
what's not responsible about a pool full of beer?
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
It has now been 10 days since we last saw Sebastians penis
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
Randomize
