I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
i got shots of sambuca dumped on my head last night. my bag still smells like licorice. making me nauseous.
it is a nice little reminder of the bruins dominance. if Vancouver had won, it would somehow smell of maple syrup.
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
Randomize
