then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
Randomize
