SEEEEXXX PLEASE
can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
So for a second i just thought clitoris was a disease.
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
It was platonic naked porno viewing, I swear.
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