Ketchup is God's man juice
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
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