I like bacon cheeseburgers and the pussycat dolls
Does that mean you want me to loosen up your buttons at carls jr?
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
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