I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
I would let him fuck me right here in this laundromat. Praise Satan.
Randomize
