I'm so fucking centered right now
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
he likes to slap my ass alot untill he missed and hit his own balls poor bastard kept on going.
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
Randomize
