dude! the alphabet song and twinkle twinkle little star are like the same tune
what drug did you take to come to that conclusion??
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
Avril Lavigne as a judge on Idol wearing devil ears. it's like every boner you ever had in 2002 just came true.
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
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