god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
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