...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
Randomize
