I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
I hope you enjoy this collage I made of you and me getting fucked up together
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
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