I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
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