It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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