I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
You both sound like you need to get shit faced, fight it out, and have makeup sex.
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
