im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
..puke & rally mid art final. HAPPY CINCO DE MAYO!
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
Randomize
