I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
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