oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
well its a long story but basically i overcame many cockblocks
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
