Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
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