she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
Also, I've sobered up around 5am, in Delaware. I remember making this decision, and highly regret it now.
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
Randomize
