Are u religion class? I'm on my way, I have cum in my hair. tell u later.
i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Randomize
