I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
Ive been sitting around naked watching magic on youtube.
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
Randomize
