OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
there is no way i'm buying plan b and condoms at the same time
no do it! it shows that you acknowledge your mistakes and you are proactively working towards a solution.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
I think i just fucked the same guy a second time without realizing it....does that make me a good whore or a bad whore???
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
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