paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
I just blindly shoved it in. I'm still not sure which hole I got.
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
I don't remember. I think I elluded to the fact that I would buy him a dildo for his birthday.
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
