At least we don't have one night stands
True that. We sink our claws in our men.
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
Found your dick twin last night
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
