Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
Randomize
