i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
