: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
Dude, she's just using you for your money, and Cavs tickets.
Honestly, what else do I have going for me?
You make a valid point.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Randomize
