I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
she looks like one of those semi-pretty girls that turns into a 9 while she's riding your cock like she's trying to catch a train on horseback.
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Randomize
