Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
he sent her a picture of his penis to show that he "trusts her" or some shit like that..well she showed it to me, and let me just tell you..it looked like a freaking slug or something. creepiest penis i've ever seen. hands down
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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