I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
I wanna be on tlc
Impossible. You are neither fat, fertile or fashionless.
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
I am "lost the control of my head" high right now.
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
Randomize
