Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
He deserves to hear about your Vagina Shrooms
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
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