If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
i wish i coudl send you meat via computure
This hot topless Jamaican just ran down the st with me on his back and He was screaming "I be stealing yo white ladies."
I don't know if i should be jealous or worried... or question where you are.
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
I still can't believe that I ate McDonald's off of my chest in his bed...
Cross faded me is not the classiest.
No not at all haha I wish there was a picture of that
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
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