You can't motorboat a personality
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
Randomize
