Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
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