I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
He told me he had an exgf. and didnt follow up with"and now i like guys."
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
Hurricane Sex Time is the only thing iv said since it started.
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
Randomize
