You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
Sometimes I actually rage on Tuesday, come back, and do homework drunk and pull an all nighter.
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
Randomize
