I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
Randomize
