i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
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