So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
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