I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
Couch. On fire.
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
Randomize
