textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
loyola was giving a tour this morning and they all saw me in a half ripped off toga throwing up over the side of the dorm stairs
you don't even go to loyola anymore
We woke up next to each other with a mutual look of disgust, and then he left. I knew I should have gone for the younger brother.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
I am growing concerned with the number of people here in cowboy hats
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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