I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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