I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
they call him Oral-B. enough said
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
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