watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
My breath smells like gin and sadness
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
Randomize
