wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
I got a hennah tattoo of my room number on my arm...I love spring break in Mexico!
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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