life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
