hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
Trying to find a reliable dealer on Rockfordmugshots.com. Guy arrested for 15 grams of coke could be him !
You realize those people have been ARRESTED recently. right.
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
Packing a mid day bowl in the Sonic parking lot. Have I gone too stoner?
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
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