that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
The 30 seconds of sex was almost worth it...I mean he did smoke me out and watched the princess and the frog with me
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
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