If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
Does it still count as a threesome if one girl left halfway through cause we were having too much sex?
Fuck you for even being able to ask that question
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
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