dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
either way he was missing a nipple.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
Just high enough for therapy.
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
is that a dick in a sweater?
just found a picture from last night.
the one of you riding a horse with nothing but a bulletproof vest on?
uhm.... no?...
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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