My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
Randomize
