I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
Randomize
