Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
Walk of shame... his parents made me go to church with them first. in my club top sweat pants and slippers. i just slapped god in the face
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
Girl this is ridiculous I told my self that I would stop having sex in stairwells yet it keeps happening
So the remote for the camera in the photo booth must have gotten dropped on the floor. while you were in there. having a threesome. on the floor of the room where my parents stay when they visit me. so thanks.
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
Randomize
