You work out of a Hotel?
I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
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