i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
I have aggressive nipples.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
Randomize
