well apparently i yelled MY VAGINA WAS ANNIHILATED and his whole family heard
is it considered a "problem" when you find a pickle slice in your bed in the morning or is it like a "super-awesome bonus"?
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
don't think this is any sort of attachment thing but if I'm going to throw up regularly at your house, I'm going to keep a tooth brush there
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
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