dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
Randomize
