Can i not drive my cunt home
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
YOHYFONSO!! YOU ONLY HAVE YOUR FIRST ONE NIGHT STAND ONCE!!
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
Campus scavenger hunt! and by scavenger hunt I mean all the pharmacies are sold out of Plan B.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
