Can we reminisce? I held a mans penis while he peed. This is the craziest night I've ever had.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
Randomize
