Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
Randomize
